Let’s Talk – My Experiences with Mental Abandonment and Neglect
Imagine being in the emptiness of space… a black void, if you will. Imagine in desperation, you scream out for help, hoping someone can pull you out of the blight either self-inflicted or caused by the toxicity of others. And… for what feels like a long time, what feels like forever, there’s no response. There’s little you hear or see that gives you some form of hope that someone is coming to save you. Maybe some faint echoes of promises to be by your side, or memories that reminded you that they’re supportive friends. But in the end… that’s all they are. Echoes. Memories. What ends up eventually being empty promises, and fake memories in hindsight.
The empty space eats at you the longer you stay, and eventually… when someone might want to finally reach out… it’s too late.
TW for Suicide Mention, Depression, Fatphobia.
Since I was young, abandonment, in some way or form, was part of my life. I had family who neglected my mental health consistently, ignoring my anxiety, downplaying depression and not taking my suicidal thoughts seriously that became a thorn by my side for years and made a lot of struggles, including up until the present day, immensely difficult. The childhood friends I had either I didn’t trust them enough to confide in problems that arose, or that I was horrible myself that I wouldn’t have been approachable or supported genuinely anyway.
This also persisted into high school, even worse when I was in my Mix Master days on YouTube and Google+, eventually even Twitter and Facebook too, because of high school crushes and the pressures of home as I was becoming a teenager and eventual adult. I was venting and complaining so much to the mix of school classmates and YouTube friends alike, and I’m certain with the factors as well of being a bad and annoying person at the time, I lost all of them. I still cringe at how horrible I was and the things I said even now, and I believe while I still have flaws I am still trying to get better. It never changed however, how depressed I was because of those altercations and how suicidal I was because of how life was treating me.
It didn’t help that earlier on that there had been issues with some of the friends I made or that there was an assumption made about certain people my family knew that made them distrusted for some reason; I know my third ever friend wasn’t trusted enough for some reason that he ended up at the whim of verbal abuse at one point, though that was forgiven. Another time where I had fat-shamed someone online unawares, family got a hold of that conversation and made their judgment that this person wasn’t my friend, even though in hindsight they did nothing wrong. Things like that made me hide anything online and got me secretive (outside of my mashup channel) about the online chats I had with people online and even the dramas that happened in high school, since I had the feeling that knowing the latter especially would worsen things… I wasn’t wrong.
As some would’ve known, I spoke out about fatphobia online particularly as well, which naturally would’ve further isolated me due to the whole topic and nature with those who condemn bigger/fat people in the world out of either pure hatred or under the concerns of health. I still remember an altercation between work colleagues in my first proper job where because of expressing my dismay at fat jokes and calling those colleagues out, I was isolated by the majority as they never wanted to take accountability for the damage they could cause not just to me, but to people around them as well. I still recall one or two particulars who were the cause of panic attacks when I was working there with them until they left. Family naturally weren’t fond of me speaking out as this called them out in the process.
Come adulthood, when I started even in person tried speaking out about the neglect done to me growing up, I was at the whim of family refusing to be accountable for the damage they’ve done, and started in some way to also dig into figuring out what was wrong with everyone so to speak, because how I grew up wasn’t normal at all. My older sibling in this case was not helpful in this way particularly because as I realise now, they’re an abuse apologist for them, believing there was good faith in the other’s actions even if they were abusive. So that isolated me further when I was told the likes of “you’re being too harsh on them” and shut down when I suggested they were a particular… cruel type of people, if you will. Even to the present day, these impacts isolated me at home immensely, any fake attempts of bonding like playing games together were just a means to I guess feel like we’re a good family, so long as accountability wasn’t raised.
Back to young adult to present day: I was in a fair few places online for either friends or a relationship; Friendlife, Whisper, some dating apps, Discord obviously. I was doing really badly with the mix of my neediness and former bad behaviour, with my social anxiety and home influences not helping either for real life interactions, and worsening my suicidal thoughts, depression and anxiety when I stopped communicating with others or a fallout happened. Enter VRChat, where for quite a while, I started making new friends and building confidence better than I ever had in my whole life. At the least, I was much more mature and further from the toxic person I was back in my teenager and young adult years.
Before I continue, one of the biggest fears I had after my few experiences online was that VRChat would’ve been likely my last shot at trying to find someone, friendship and possibly a relationship, since IRL had let me down badly at this point. While I had stuck around since July 2021, I still never really found someone who’s fully stuck by me I felt safe and cared for around… and the problem with that is, for a community that’s meant to be a massive place to find like-minded people and meet new friends and a potential partner, it means that there was also the fear that you’d end up lonelier than ever if you’re not able to find even a single friend.
I did have some friends that did care about me… however, because of my abandonment concerns, I remember running away from one person who was like the equivalent of being a mom friend if you will, because I felt I was letting her down in the way of not taking action to take ahold of the personal life issues that were toiling me, and someone else who was a best friend claimed even after knowing I had a crush on them that they’ll still be by my side after we talked it out, eventually ghosting me two days later.
What happened this year however, absolutely has changed my perspective on bonds altogether.
I ended up meeting someone earlier this year just in a random Friends+ world in VRChat, and like a rare few, it started because of the noticing of my avatar (which was a bigger bodied/fat VRoid avatar that was meant to somewhat resemble me IRL… if you know, you know), and as we spoke and got along, we got really close. It felt like for the first time in all my life, I really found someone to truly call a friend and they were the reason I actually didn’t want to die anymore. We ended up in a relationship for a time… it was the happiest time of my life while it lasted. An understatement actually… meeting them and knowing them even before were also part of the happiest time of my life. I loved them with all my heart.
However… things started falling apart.
Home was still pressuring since there was a lack of compassion towards my struggles with finding work, and also the behaviours of family that proved this and eventually got to a point where it felt like they really were purposely mentally/emotionally neglecting and abandoning me… and being much more mature now, I really felt that impact: They were small examples like everyone was being made a cup of tea at home except for you, or being gifted things for your siblings but you were the exception. They’d still do the bare minimum, but nothing more. It was eating at me really badly, and my ex knew this too.
Unfortunately, their circumstances meant our relationship couldn’t continue, which I understood, and I hoped we could still stay friends… but because of what past relationships and friendships were like, toxic or not, I feared that either I would fuck something up, if not thinking that what we had was already over, that in some way, they’d end up abandoning me too. It ate at me the whole week after that chat before I gave into my fears…
I ran away from my ex. I thought it was the right thing to do to make closure and move on, but I was so damn wrong. I was in tears for weeks, and honestly, even now. It’s so hard not to cry when I work sometimes because those memories are painful of how things panned out.
In my desperation, as I had in the past as well, I reached out to people I also ran away from, tried making amends if I messed up in some aspects, but the reconciliation of those friendships were short-lived. I was honestly suicidal the whole year, even with the relationship because of how home drained me. I did eventually try to reach out to my ex again expressing how alone I was because I felt I really didn’t have anyone; no one IRL or home, and I had mentioned a few times if they want nothing to with me, to please block me. Otherwise, I wanted to reach out saying I was committed to repairing what was broken between us. No response, just left on read.
The long and short of more recently however, stemmed from seeing something that seemed like a message to me that sounded like me attempting to reach out was a joke. And I was angrier and more upset than ever, purging the rest of my VRChat and Discord “friends” because I was done with not being cared for. I felt like a joke to my ex, and it changed me for the worse.
Because of the fact my family’s abandonment of me mentally with the lack of accountability towards doing so, and the abandonment of my ex are intertwined together and the pain that came with them, it’s affected my ability to even care or love other people anymore. Because of the “friends” from before, either ones I reached out to in attempts to rekindle a friendship again or the ones I met at some point who don’t bother talking to me anymore, plus the family who fake caring for me until it comes to holding themselves accountable… it’s all shattered me completely. Even teases of having crushes on people online I was “friends” with… those feelings I had for them are gone too. I don’t have the ability to love anymore at this point in time.
EDIT: In addition to this, something I realised at the point of editing was also the fact part of this abandonment stems from not being heard. As in more specifically, when I have spoken out about something or called out something that has troubled me, and rarely just minor things sprinkled across growing up, it’s either been completely ignored, downplayed or I get berated or get a negative response from the people I try to tell it to. This happened a lot with home growing up where their abuse had been justified and danced around to avoid accountability, and in hindsight… my ex having done this as well I believe to right before I ran away. Which all in all furthered my need to actually want to be heard and listened without any form of negative judgement.
Abandonment is something I would never wish on anybody. Everyone deserves to have a friend, a companion, a loved one, someone to call family if not them actually being family, who will love, care and support you no matter what, that won’t give up on you easily. Someone that will check in on you every day and be there to lend an ear whenever the time’s appropriate, and yet still can call you out on any mistakes or actions you make that end up hurting someone. And as of typing… I genuinely feel I have none of that.
In hindsight in a somewhat clearer state of mind, I know my ex isn’t an intentionally cruel person. As mentioned, I think their behaviour stemmed from a form of people pleasing, and that comes from being in a place of abandonment too; and I know in part I let them down as well by breaking a promise that I’d stay by their side by running away (this happening because of the relationship dilemma) Myself included, I know there’s other instances of people pleasing I’ve been told of and how it’s impacted friendships and relationships with others…
I think what also hurts as well is with a number of people, I have tried reaching out and helping them out where possible. But with a few rare exceptions, no one’s really paid the favour back. It’s more that I do reach out when I see a status online indicating someone’s upset or angry or something, but as mentioned earlier, having mine up doesn’t give the same response. And it just… hurts, to not really have that two-way trust I guess you could call it? This is more recently where I hadn’t impulse vented like I had in my teenager years. Even with what happened in the last relationship, save for one or two small few, I kept to myself with my feelings.
It doesn’t change however that it has been unbearable, feeling like that you don’t matter unless you conform to the needs or wants of other people. Be it family expectations or the role for a job. But what about you as a person? You deserve to be valued for the person you are, not just simply what you’re capable of in life. I found it worse that especially in the online world where you can hide behind an anonymous or fictional character’s identity to conceal yourself to make friends, it made the isolation worse because it then comes down to the socialising factor, which I know I do suck at but I personally wouldn’t think it’d be that bad to not be talked with all that much.
The slightest sliver of hope I have in me really exists in the games I’m currently playing at this time of typing. I know one person at the very least did suggest a game that’s honestly been really meaningful for the events and feelings that have transpired recently too, and I owe them big time for that. But that aside, it’s been really difficult. Yes, I have tried getting professional help, but to no avail. At least, the answers I was suggested didn’t sit tight with me at all, at least with home. But it felt like the system, so to speak, had let me down here too.
I guess the point I wanted to make telling my story and expressing my abandonment and how it’s rooted and festered, is that please: If you know somebody’s going through a rough time or you know they’re completely alone, please reach out and be the person they need. Send sincere messages and hold a no-judgment space for them if they have any worries or anxieties going through their heads. Even if you’re in another part of the world, even if texting is all you can do, please do whatever you can in your capacity to take the time to help that someone out. It can change everything. I know there’s worse places right now with people going through a hell of a lot, and I don’t believe they need to be alone in the process of dealing with their struggles either.
If you do happen to know exactly who my older sibling or ex is with their online presence, I ask you do not obviously attempt to harass them or condemn them in any way. With the former, it’s a case of opening up a can of worms with family. The latter I hope I hadn’t intentionally tried to slander because I wanted to get across first and foremost my pain of abandonment, and the outcome of what happened stemmed from my cowardice, and their need to move on, as much as I miss them dearly. But the relationship was part of the reason I’m suffering really badly right now because of its relation with home and the whole affect on me in the present day, and I do need to scream about my experiences out there.
If you read all the way up to here. Thank you. But please if you can… I’d appreciate it if you’d reach out. Although because of my distrust of others right now, I ask you be patient with me.
- Mix May
