Let’s Talk: The Struggles with Mental Health (TW: Suicide, Depression, Emotional/Mental Abuse?, Fatphobia)
Mental health for some can be perceived as either a serious issue or a non-existent one. From my understanding, it’s likely something you may never understand 100% unless you walk into everyone else’s shoes and experience the inner pain they had. Here’s my story with my mental health.
Since fairly young, in my earlier years of primary school, the influences I had at the time weren’t so great. To be honest, I was a noisy annoying kid in the classes before my mental health (which would more than likely be anxiety) kicked in and made me insecure about anything I did. I don’t blame my primary school teachers because I guess it’s not always because of how they punished or told me off; rather, it was more about how I was able to take it. Which was why I was scared at times to ask to go to the toilet back then, or to ask questions (once was about tying my shoelaces because I never knew how). There were times I cried so much because of the situations I was in, and I believe it all lead up to me being so silent and almost anti-social. Being gaslighted at times to make me feel like ‘everything’s my fault’ didn’t help either. My only comfort was video games and my childhood with Disney movies and Winnie the Pooh that I watched a lot.
High school was basically hell for my mind; since I couldn’t interact face-to-face or understand boundaries much (rest assured I had no interest in any sexual interactions since my mind was still somewhat innocent), I got called a stalker from my first ‘girlfriend’ and a lot people got the wrong ideas about me at times in the first few years. I adored so many girls back then and didn’t necessarily understand rejection; I still had that childhood thought that whoever was the one for you, you’d end up being with, but unfortunately I was slowly waking up to the reality I was dealing with then as my persistence grew.
Then I was told to kill myself in my second year of high school, and also wanted to do so in later years… I tried only once in the second year but that never happened, let alone the possibility I would’ve ended up in hospital. It was a struggle for the whole 6 years I was there; but thanks to the support of a number of classmates, video games and especially music (shoutouts to Brave Frontier, Frozen, Skillet, Linkin Park, RWBY and some of the Sonic musicians too), I coped through all the misunderstandings and struggles I had. Took about half a year after high school was over to start with a clean slate, but I made it. I became better as a person with my confidence slowly increased from the start to the end of high school and a bit wiser too. The gaslight effect stopped me realising deep down I had faults I put the blame on those who misjudged until afterwards, so I know now I’ve done a lot that made me screw up as a person to amend myself, despite the struggles. And I’ve forgived those who had wronged me too; they’re not bad people who deliberately wanted to hurt me, or that they still have been immature back then.
Even in my development, the one thing that has always been around was my anxiety; having this for as long as I can remember, it still stops me from doing a number of things I would like to do without that nerve-wrecking dread that comes with them. Asking for help or presenting in fear of judgement, getting called out or misjudged by others with no opportunity to explain myself or be heard out. Good thing is the internet exists to speak out behind a screen right? Somehow my mashups in the past gave confidence, and also the original music itself. While it is my preference to still make a difference online, I would like to for the people I care for in real life too; whether it’s them with depression or anxiety or anything I could relate to or support them with.
What I have lacked though is a real person who would hold me tight and not give up on me, telling me they care for me and they will always understand and be by my side and mean it. And I guess everyone wants that, because perhaps families may be toxic and untrustworthy, or the ‘friends’ you had never understood or wanted to actually support you in your problems. The world has turned that negative and right now as a fat person actually ‘going out there’ when I’m heading to study it’s even harder when everyone out there despises and condemns you silently because ‘I’m some disease to be ridded of’. I appreciate right now the classmates I have gotten to interact with, even if it is a slight chat or ‘hi’, but the sun will indeed rise and glow brightly if someone actually wanted to get to know me because I can’t hold a great conversation about much outside of study needs.
Even if I may not be able to have that person come around now, I implore you, be there for the ones you care about that also care about you. Tell them how important you are to them and how special they are to you for the things they’ve done to make your life better. Even if it’s a celebrity or someone popular, just letting them know gives the possibility they read it and their heart glows a little because they were able to make a difference and inspire lives. And if you need help, find someone you trust and talk and vent to them about what troubles you. A real friend will be there for you until the very end.
Thank you for reading this if you have read up to this point. I’m on Facebook, Twitter and Discord, so if you guys ever need some support, I’m always happy to chat.
